"I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." - John 14:18

Monday, December 12, 2011

Letting Go

I am just going to be honest...I am struggling right now. We have been filed with the courts for over a month & we have no court date in sight. Baby Z's 1st birthday is coming up in just over a week, we won't celebrate it with her. They are not coming home for Christmas. They are not coming home this year. I feel every day of this 20 month journey & I am tired. My heart is trying to straddle 2 continents right now and not handling it particularly well. We didn't sign up for a 2 year journey, we didn't choose to watch them get older in pictures instead of in our arms. I am clinging to these verses in Isaiah right now:

The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
   and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
   and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
   they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
   they shall walk and not faint.

I am clinging to those verses like a life raft because I have grown faint. I have grown weary. I have fallen, exhausted. I cringe when people ask me if there is any news. I am crestfallen when they don't ask if there is any news. In short, I am kind of a mess. I am putting on a brave face, I think, we had Hattie's "Adventure Time" birthday party yesterday and I wish I could have captured the pure joy on her sweet face. We are opening Advent Calendars, wrapping gifts, doing service projects, ringing bells for Salvation Army, helping out with the Angel Tree, collecting food for missions & food pantries, taking cookies to those who have to work on Christmas, singing Christmas carols at the hospital but when I am alone, usually in the car, I cry. Hard. Those tears are always just under the surface. I don't cry in front of the girls because I know that crying doesn't do a darn bit of good. I don't cry in front of Mike because my sweet fella has a tender heart & doesn't do very well when I am sad. But I do cry, mostly because I don't know what else to do. There are no more forms to fill out or things to get notarized or errands to run. This is all out of my hands (as if it were ever in my hands in the first place...) & I have to wait upon the Lord & know that He will increase my strength, that I will mount up with wings like Eagles (hoping those eagle wings say "KLM Airlines" on them!), that He will provide me with the strength to continue down this road which is so much longer and so much tougher than I ever thought it would be.

If this journey has taught me one thing (and it has taught me many more than that) it is letting go. Letting go of fears. Letting go of timelines. Letting go of control. Letting go of friends. Letting go of idols...

So today I am letting go of Z's 1st birthday. I am letting go of 6 stockings & 6 sweet faces this Christmas. I am letting go and giving it to God where I know it will be in such good and such caring hands. I vow to cherish these sweet Christmas-y days with my beautiful girls. I vow to celebrate Z's birthday with true joy in my heart because that is what she deserves. I will pray for B (Lord knows he needs prayer...he is going to have 5 sisters!) and ask that his heart be prepared for the big changes in his little life. I will ring bells and pack Angel Tree bags and remember the beauty of this season and give the rest of it to God because that is where it belongs.

And, when I am alone in my car...I expect I will still cry. Hard.

6 comments:

  1. It is so hard, but God is redemptive. The past 2 Christmas's, a little one was missing. Sam on 2009, and Solomon in 2010. It is hard. But they are both home now. Your 2 will be with you so soon...stay strong Momma, and honor the heck out of those 2 this Christmas. I say hang those stockings back up....fill them with all the love and goodies you want, and give it to them when they are home.

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  2. Hugs to you, Libby. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with you on my mind. I prayed for you until I fell back asleep. I know that with a new week, the hope rises. You are an inspiration for those of us going after you.

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  3. Now let me preface this whole thing I am about to write by saying that I don't know a lick about adoption. I don't know what it is like to be where you are or have been. I will not presume to know nor make sweeping "good feeling" statements to try to stop you from being where you are at but I will say this: First of all, I love you. Second of all, I think you are brave. You don't have to be strong or happy or upbeat or anything else as long as you are always brave. It takes bravery to forget what the world says and instead believe what God says you are, what you can do. It takes commitment yes, but more than that it takes crazy bravery to let the smallness of your human dream fall away and fully embrace the dream God is dreaming for you. And this is what you have done. It takes a lot of guts and I know you are strong. But more than anything you are brave. You dreamed a bigger life for yourself from the time we were kids and now you are allowing God to lay out your dream moment by moment and that is scary and difficult and for all it's glory, enough to drive a well-planned person crazy. I will agree that letting go is the only thing to do...ever...period. Try with all your might, follow ever lead, put your whole heart and soul and last drop of sweat into it all and then let it go because that is all we can control. Now you and I both know that this is coming. God connected you to those two children from the moment they were conceived. These were the children we said were yours but hadn't been born yet back in 2001. See, you've waited longer than you can remember! They are yours and no Christmas, no birthday, no distance will ever lessen your connection. When you think about them, love them, and pray for them you know they feel it just as you feel it when people pray for you and just as I know it when you pray for me. This surrendering to God's plan is simple in theory but so not easy to practice. So you cry and cry hard. Scream and shake the steering wheel heck, pound the dash board so hard you mess up your hair. You have a dig-your-heels-in fight in you and that's just you fighting it out. The good news is...you always land in God's hands. So, crying is good. Crying is gearing up for the next round. Crying is the point where you really do let go and fall back into God's hands Mama. Crying don't matter one bit as long as you let it lift you up rather than hold you down (okay so that was kind of a sweeping feel good comment, I may have gotten a bit carried away). I love you to bits and back. I wish I could do more, be there more, make you laugh more, and go shopping for lip gloss more. Be gentle with yourself. You have done more in the first two hours of your day to better humankind than most do in a lifetime. Be gentle with yourself. You know those moments when you are doing pilates and you think "oh my goodness my stomach muscles have taken on a life of their own" in twitches or you think "I don't know if I can actually finish this 100" and then, you do and she moves onto the next exercise? This is where you are...almost to the phone call, almost to packing, almost to the plane ride, almost to the next plane ride, almost to the ride, almost to being in the same room, almost to holding them, you are on #8 in a set of 10...your muscles are twitching, your sweating from every single pore and you. are. almost. there. (Look at that, I even included a sports reference, your favorite)I love you. I love you. I'm crusher hugging you. You can feel it, I know it. BTW, it's nikki...what's it take for a girl to post something around here, this place is like Fort Knox! :) Put on some lip gloss and call me.

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  4. Meg - Thank you for the encouragement. So good to hear from people who have already weathered the storm. I am going to hang those stockings up!

    Amanda - I love your sweet heart. I was so touched & comforted knowing you had been praying for me. What a gift that was to hear!

    Nik - Do you know how much I love you, ya wacky thing? Your message had me laughing & crying and feeling so thankful that we have been BFF's for almost 30 (gulp!) years! I could not have walked this road without your constant (and really LOUD) cheering from the finish line. You have never doubted me...even when I have doubted myself. Love you so darn BIG!

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  5. Libby, I have told my hubby several times before, and looks like I will be telling him again.. "seriously, I have got to meet Libby. She is like one of my favorite people in the world, and we've really never even had a conversation." I am glad to know the whole, crying to the point of having to pull over because its the only time youll let your self cry, is not just something I do. I am praying often, and will continue crying out on your behalf. I cant imagine the heaviness your heart must feel. You give me hope for the referral that just doesn't want to come to me yet. Your babies are so close, hang in there. Let the rest of us hold you up a while. Seems like your arms are getting alittle weak. :) He's faithful, don't forget. Your babies are safer, more loved, and better taken care of in His arms than anywhere else.

    praying.

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  6. Sara - Your message was such a blessing to me and just what I needed to hear, thank you. And before you know it you will be looking at the sweet face/faces of your new children and I will be there to lift you up when the waiting gets so tough. We definitely need to plan a yearly reunion once we get all these beautiful kiddos home :) Thankful to be sharing this journey with you.

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