"I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." - John 14:18

Monday, December 12, 2011

Letting Go

I am just going to be honest...I am struggling right now. We have been filed with the courts for over a month & we have no court date in sight. Baby Z's 1st birthday is coming up in just over a week, we won't celebrate it with her. They are not coming home for Christmas. They are not coming home this year. I feel every day of this 20 month journey & I am tired. My heart is trying to straddle 2 continents right now and not handling it particularly well. We didn't sign up for a 2 year journey, we didn't choose to watch them get older in pictures instead of in our arms. I am clinging to these verses in Isaiah right now:

The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
   and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
   and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
   they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
   they shall walk and not faint.

I am clinging to those verses like a life raft because I have grown faint. I have grown weary. I have fallen, exhausted. I cringe when people ask me if there is any news. I am crestfallen when they don't ask if there is any news. In short, I am kind of a mess. I am putting on a brave face, I think, we had Hattie's "Adventure Time" birthday party yesterday and I wish I could have captured the pure joy on her sweet face. We are opening Advent Calendars, wrapping gifts, doing service projects, ringing bells for Salvation Army, helping out with the Angel Tree, collecting food for missions & food pantries, taking cookies to those who have to work on Christmas, singing Christmas carols at the hospital but when I am alone, usually in the car, I cry. Hard. Those tears are always just under the surface. I don't cry in front of the girls because I know that crying doesn't do a darn bit of good. I don't cry in front of Mike because my sweet fella has a tender heart & doesn't do very well when I am sad. But I do cry, mostly because I don't know what else to do. There are no more forms to fill out or things to get notarized or errands to run. This is all out of my hands (as if it were ever in my hands in the first place...) & I have to wait upon the Lord & know that He will increase my strength, that I will mount up with wings like Eagles (hoping those eagle wings say "KLM Airlines" on them!), that He will provide me with the strength to continue down this road which is so much longer and so much tougher than I ever thought it would be.

If this journey has taught me one thing (and it has taught me many more than that) it is letting go. Letting go of fears. Letting go of timelines. Letting go of control. Letting go of friends. Letting go of idols...

So today I am letting go of Z's 1st birthday. I am letting go of 6 stockings & 6 sweet faces this Christmas. I am letting go and giving it to God where I know it will be in such good and such caring hands. I vow to cherish these sweet Christmas-y days with my beautiful girls. I vow to celebrate Z's birthday with true joy in my heart because that is what she deserves. I will pray for B (Lord knows he needs prayer...he is going to have 5 sisters!) and ask that his heart be prepared for the big changes in his little life. I will ring bells and pack Angel Tree bags and remember the beauty of this season and give the rest of it to God because that is where it belongs.

And, when I am alone in my car...I expect I will still cry. Hard.